Visits from Family, Friends, and Depressions
I like to update the blog a couple of times a week, but for a variety of reasons, I have had to put the blog on the back burner, and I have had to force myself not to feel stressed out about putting the blog on the back burner. Afterall, the blog is part of my healing process, and stress is not allowed in that process. Removing stress from my life has been a huge challenge (second only to losing my hair), and while I believe it is impossible to remove all stress from our lives, this Type A, control freak, perpetually seeking challenges woman has done a pretty darn good job of that - most of the time.
The last week of August, my Uncle Frank and Auntie Lenny came to Virginia to visit my Dad and Laura and to spend time with us. It was great to see them, and we had a number of opportunities to get together while they were here. They headed back up to Massachusetts on Thursday, in time to miss Ernesto's arrival on Friday.
By the time Ernesto visited Williamsburg, it had been downgraded to a tropical depression, but it still packed a powerful punch. We received about ten inches of rain, and the wind blew down many trees. At one point, 40,000 of the 45,000 local residents lost power, but fortunately we were one of the 5,000 that had power, and we never lost it. We had several limbs down in our yard, and the front passenger side of my Taurus was quite waterlogged, but that was the worst of the damage for us. Unfortunately, Bo's Mom and Richard lost their boat when the storm surge caused it to sink beside their pier. We are all hoping that is the worst of the hurricane season for us this year, but Florence is brewing out there now...
Ernesto left in time for our very good friends, Heather and Rob, and their eight month old son, Mattie, to come up from Charlotte to visit us for the Labor Day weekend. Their son is beautiful, just like them. I had forgotten how much work an infant is though!
They left on Monday, and another depression came to visit. This one too packed a powerful punch, but I was about the only one who felt it, with a few exceptions. I can't really attribute the depression to any one thing. I think it was just a combination of things that built up to a point that I needed to release some pressure in the form of tears. Although the chemo has had minimal effects on me, I am sure whether I acknowledge it or not, the toxicity is taking its toll on my body physically and emotionally. Also, the demands of trying to launch a brand new business and the accompanying financial pressure of supporting a family of five are hard to ignore. Additionally, I feel like I haven't been able to stay on top of things around the house. And, after a long weekend, I was dreading going back to work to a business that is still so uncomfortable for me. I think I was also mourning the passing of summer as the kids prepared for school on Tuesday. (You would think this is one summer I would be so glad to have behind me!) It could have also been hormones, but since I don't have periods now, just hot flashes, I don't know. Oh yes, then there is the whole I have breast cancer thing, too. I could keep listing contributing factors, but if I do that, I will get depressed all over again.
My brother, Jeff, called to check in Monday afternoon, and he just happened to be the one present when the depression struck, and the tears spewed forth. This was a fortunate thing because anyone else probably would have been crying with me. I was pretty pathetic. Not Jeff, though. He is way too rational for that. That's not saying he is cold-hearted - quite the contrary, in fact. He is very compassionate, generous, and loving, but he just has a very logical approach to working through crises, including mine. (He is also very creative at generating names for rock bands.) He let me cry and walked me through the storm by helping me figure out what would help relieve some of the anxiety.
I felt much better after talking to Jeff, and I didn't cry again for a couple hours. Then the storm struck again. This time, Bo experienced the effects. We talked about ways he could help take some of the pressure off of me, and of course, he wants nothing more than to support and help me. I recognize that some of the pressure is self-imposed and that I must give up my need to control everything. I am a work in progress, as we all are, but I am extremely motivated to progress to a state of good health and remain there.
The depression passed fairly quickly with occassional squalls on Tuesday, but today, I am feeling much better. I have way more things to be happy about than to be sad about, and I choose to focus on the happy. That being said, I am human. I don't have to be Superwoman. I know I am entitled to feel crappy, and when I do, I just need to go with it, knowing that it is okay to feel yucky, and that it will pass, just like Ernesto.
P.S. I was kidding about the hair - kind of.
The last week of August, my Uncle Frank and Auntie Lenny came to Virginia to visit my Dad and Laura and to spend time with us. It was great to see them, and we had a number of opportunities to get together while they were here. They headed back up to Massachusetts on Thursday, in time to miss Ernesto's arrival on Friday.
By the time Ernesto visited Williamsburg, it had been downgraded to a tropical depression, but it still packed a powerful punch. We received about ten inches of rain, and the wind blew down many trees. At one point, 40,000 of the 45,000 local residents lost power, but fortunately we were one of the 5,000 that had power, and we never lost it. We had several limbs down in our yard, and the front passenger side of my Taurus was quite waterlogged, but that was the worst of the damage for us. Unfortunately, Bo's Mom and Richard lost their boat when the storm surge caused it to sink beside their pier. We are all hoping that is the worst of the hurricane season for us this year, but Florence is brewing out there now...
Ernesto left in time for our very good friends, Heather and Rob, and their eight month old son, Mattie, to come up from Charlotte to visit us for the Labor Day weekend. Their son is beautiful, just like them. I had forgotten how much work an infant is though!
They left on Monday, and another depression came to visit. This one too packed a powerful punch, but I was about the only one who felt it, with a few exceptions. I can't really attribute the depression to any one thing. I think it was just a combination of things that built up to a point that I needed to release some pressure in the form of tears. Although the chemo has had minimal effects on me, I am sure whether I acknowledge it or not, the toxicity is taking its toll on my body physically and emotionally. Also, the demands of trying to launch a brand new business and the accompanying financial pressure of supporting a family of five are hard to ignore. Additionally, I feel like I haven't been able to stay on top of things around the house. And, after a long weekend, I was dreading going back to work to a business that is still so uncomfortable for me. I think I was also mourning the passing of summer as the kids prepared for school on Tuesday. (You would think this is one summer I would be so glad to have behind me!) It could have also been hormones, but since I don't have periods now, just hot flashes, I don't know. Oh yes, then there is the whole I have breast cancer thing, too. I could keep listing contributing factors, but if I do that, I will get depressed all over again.
My brother, Jeff, called to check in Monday afternoon, and he just happened to be the one present when the depression struck, and the tears spewed forth. This was a fortunate thing because anyone else probably would have been crying with me. I was pretty pathetic. Not Jeff, though. He is way too rational for that. That's not saying he is cold-hearted - quite the contrary, in fact. He is very compassionate, generous, and loving, but he just has a very logical approach to working through crises, including mine. (He is also very creative at generating names for rock bands.) He let me cry and walked me through the storm by helping me figure out what would help relieve some of the anxiety.
I felt much better after talking to Jeff, and I didn't cry again for a couple hours. Then the storm struck again. This time, Bo experienced the effects. We talked about ways he could help take some of the pressure off of me, and of course, he wants nothing more than to support and help me. I recognize that some of the pressure is self-imposed and that I must give up my need to control everything. I am a work in progress, as we all are, but I am extremely motivated to progress to a state of good health and remain there.
The depression passed fairly quickly with occassional squalls on Tuesday, but today, I am feeling much better. I have way more things to be happy about than to be sad about, and I choose to focus on the happy. That being said, I am human. I don't have to be Superwoman. I know I am entitled to feel crappy, and when I do, I just need to go with it, knowing that it is okay to feel yucky, and that it will pass, just like Ernesto.
P.S. I was kidding about the hair - kind of.
posted by Mary @ 8:33 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:43 AM,
Planet Subaru Blogger said…
What's neat about a family is that we all bring different strengths to the table....different members play different roles and contribute in different ways. We don't always volunteer for the roles, like yours, now, showing us how to survive a crisis as serious as they come. (And not just to survive it, but to be reborn anew in it.) My role sometimes, well, is The Giver of Perspectives (another good band name.)
And while we're generating band names, how about Waterlogged Taurus? Rock out!
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