Boob Voyage

The hospital called yesterday to let me know that my surgery was scheduled for 2:25 p.m. today. I wasn't thrilled with this time for three reasons. First, you can't eat or drink anything after midnight regardless of the time of your surgery. (I don't quite understand why this same rule applies to someone having surgery at 8:00 a.m. and someone having surgery at 2:25 p.m., but it doesn't bother me enough to take on the medical community to have it changed.) Second, it means I get to sit around for most of the day contemplating my fate. Third, I am probably Dr. H's last surgery of the day, so he won't be fresh, but as my friend, Heather, pointed out, I am also not the first surgery of the day when he is getting warmed up.

I had my pre-op visit last Thursday. At this time, Dr. H, and Donna, the nurse practicioner, did a pre-surgical physical. We also talked about the "procedure." I am having a modified radical mastectomy on the right side (the side with the cancer) and a total mastectomy on the left side. The terms are a little misleading as a total mastectomy sounds more extreme to me. Actually, the modified radical mastectomy will result in the removal of the entire breast and will involve an axillary dissection in which two of three levels of lymph nodes are also removed. The total mastectomy is "just" removal of the breast. Dr. H said the surgery will last about 2 1/2 hours.

He also felt compelled to remind me that it wasn't necessary to remove both breasts at this time and that many women wait to see how they do with the first mastectomy. Also, the likelihood of a recurrence is greatest in the first two years and after that time, the risk would not be as high for getting cancer on the left side. I told him I still wanted to proceed with both. Later on that day though, I did briefly revisit this decision in my mind. I still arrived at the same conclusion. From the first moment I learned I had breast cancer, I wanted to have them both removed - that same day actually! I obviously have had time to develop a more rational thought process that is also supported by data as well as intuition.

It is truly hard to know what I would have done, but the fact of the matter is that if I had known what I know now about my risk, the lack of reliable early detection mechanisms for me, and more about the disease itself, I may have opted for prophylactic removal of both breasts. Now I am armed with that information, so why wouldn't I opt for prophylactic removal of the left one? This way I will never face a day when I hear that the lump I just found in my left breast is cancer, and I will never have to wonder why I didn't have the breast removed when I could have it done it on my terms.

I will be in the hospital for one night. If I were having a single mastectomy, there is a good chance the surgery would be outpatient, also known as a drive through mastectomy. Advocacy groups are trying to require insurance companies to provide more comprehensive coverage. I wouldn't want to be in the hospital more than one night, but I am glad that I am not being released today after what I consider pretty major surgery.

I have spent a lot of time in front of the mirror these past few days gazing at my breasts. As a 34B, I always thought they were a bit on the small side, so I enhanced them with padded push up bras. I never flaunted my cleavage, but I realize now that I actually have some pretty decent cleavage going on. Actually, when you consider my petite frame, they are just right. (I think I am experiencing the "You never appreciate what you have until it is gone" syndrome.) Nonetheless, in purely biological terms they have served their utilitarian purpose - attracted a mate and nourished my children. Now they are ornamental and errogenous, and I do have other ornaments and other errogenous zones.

I have lived the last the fews days thinking of "lasts". My 20th year Willam and Mary reunion was this past weekend. As Bo and I were on the dance floor, I told him that he was dancing with my breasts for the last time. On a Busch Gardens rollercoaster last week with the safety bar firmly up against my chest, I couldn't help thinking, "This is the last time I will ride Big Bad Wolf with my breasts." Last night was my last time trick or treating with breasts. You get the drift... Since having breasts is a prerequisite for none of those activities, I believe these thoughts are just part of the mourning process for me.

Instead of sending the kids off to the bus this morning, I dropped them off at school, at their request. Clay wanted me to walk him to his classroom and Cole took off with his friends before I could embarrass him with hugs and kisses and motherly proclamations of love. I have talked to them several times over the last few days about what is happening today. In fact, when I asked the kids last night what I would be coming home without, Clay said "Cancer." Great answer! I was thinking breasts, but leave it to him to get right to heart of the matter and remind me of what is really going on today.

Am I scared? Well, I guess I am a little nervous about having surgery in general and being put under. Also, like most people, I am not really into pain. Otherwise, I am just very anxious to get it over with. I have had five months to think about it. I have had five months of living with the knowledge that there is a tumor in my breast and obsessing about what it is doing in there. When I wake up later on today, I will be cancer free. Bo, my Dad, and Bryan will be able to remove their pink bracelets.

Am I scared? I am reconsidering my answer because Bo just asked me if I had a living will. Now why did he have to go and ask me that? Actually, I was thinking the same thing yesterday, and I do have the paperwork, so I am going to go ahead and sign it this morning. But no, I am still not scared. There are some things out of my control, and I am not going to waste time worrying about them. Besides I know I will be fine and all of my family and friends have been telling me the same thing. We can't all be wrong.

My brother, Jeff, flew into town to assist this week. He, my Dad, and Bo will be at the hospital with me. My friends, Jodie and Betty will also be there. Mama (my mother-in-law) and Laura (my future step-mother) will watch the boys. I hope to be able to talk to Cole, Clay, and Lance from the hospital tonight. I have my bag ready to go, and the lipstick is packed.

I want to thank everyone who is been calling to wish me well and for all of the cards and gifts. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers and your love and concern. You are all very special to me.

It is a spectacular fall day - clear blue skies, mild temperature, beautiful foilage. Jeff, Bo, Lance and I are going to go for a short walk and enjoy this incredible day.